“Can you help?”
That’s how this whole thing started. A client – an oil and gas association – was hosting its annual conference, the intent was solid: build real relationships across the association. I was challenged to deliver a keynote not on leadership, but on the nuts and bolts of relationship building at events.
This isn’t an area of expertise of mine, per se. Yet, it’s something I know how to do because I’ve learned how to do it … through many, many, many awkward conversations I’ve grown in skill and proficiency.
Seriously, I once totally sucked at small talk and chit chat. But since I love to share learning, I was excited about this challenge. Here’s why:
I’m 1000% proof that if networking isn’t natural, it’s nurturable
I grew up painfully shy. The kind of shy where walking into a room of strangers felt like a punishment, not an opportunity. For years, that’s exactly what it was to me.
Then my mom gave me a reframe I still use today.
“People are like puzzles, Angie,” she said. “You like puzzles. So, ask people questions and figure them out.”
That one sentence moved me from dreading a room to being curious about it. It didn’t make me an extrovert. It made me someone with a task: ask the questions, find the pieces, and seek to learn how we’re all connected to one another.
The room told on itself in our first survey
So, at the keynote, I started off with a survey. (If you’ve never been to one my events, know that I love audience engagement. I’m a “grab your phone and let’s interact” kind of person.)
At the top of the session, I asked the room a simple question: You just walked into a room full of strangers. How do you feel?
157 people answered. Here’s what came back:
- 74 said nervous — “I’m trying to scan the room to see if I know anyone.”
- 54 said “okay, just okay”
- 18 said excited
- 11 wanted to turn around and leave
That’s not a room of naturally gifted networkers. That’s a room of capable, accomplished professionals who feel exactly the way you probably feel walking into your next event. Nervousness isn’t the exception in a room like that. It’s the majority.
So, I continued. When I asked what’s actually hardest part about it, the answers piled up fast, and one theme dominated everything else: breaking into a group, and small talk itself. Over and over, “not knowing what to say,” “approaching a group of people,” “will I sound foolish,” “small talk, feeling of rejection.” One person summed up what a lot of the room was quietly thinking: “I’m a deep-natured introvert, so I only have a limited capacity for small talk.”
Yet, we all agreed that we need people. And we want more people in our lives.
Belief isn’t the barrier. Comfort is.
Most of us already believe connection matters. Nobody in that room needed convincing that relationships drive business, careers, and opportunity. The barrier was never belief, it was comfort. And comfort is a skill, not a personality trait. Which means it can be built, the same way I built mine.
Shift first. Skill second.
And here’s the part that should take some pressure off: the same audience that told me they were nervous also turned out to be one of the most fascinating groups I’ve ever been in a room with.
When I asked “what’s the most interesting thing about you,” I got answers like:
- I’ve swum with whale sharks
- I’ve seen Duran Duran live eight times
- I survived cancer twice before turning 40
- I started my career over at 41; my first corporate job came at 49
- I’m a beekeeper
- I read tarot
- I’ve trained jiujitsu for years and will talk about it if you let me
- My family has a coat of arms and a castle in Scotland
- I have a BookTok account with almost 10,000 followers
- I’ve been an extra in several horror films
Nobody walks around wearing that. You’d never know it unless someone asks. That’s the whole point: the most interesting people in the room are standing right next to you, and the only tool you need to unlock them is a question.
Questions that do the heavy lifting
You don’t need a clever opening line. You need a real question that hands the conversation to the other person. Try these at your next event:
- Tell me your story. Starting with “where do you call home?”
- How did you get connected to this event?
- How is your business using AI right now, and what’s a challenge you’re leveraging it to solve?
- What’s your favorite AI tool, and how is it actually helping you?
- What are you most looking forward to for the rest of the year?
- What’s exciting in your world right now?
- What does life look like outside of work?
Ask one. Listen to the answer. Follow the thread in what they say instead of jumping to your next prepared question.
The follow-up is where the relationship actually gets built
Here’s something worth knowing before you collect a single business card: when I asked the room how they’d prefer to be followed up with, email (35) and text (32) ran away with it, far ahead of LinkedIn, a phone call, or anything else. So don’t overthink the channel. Just follow up within 24 to 48 hours, while it’s still fresh for both of you, and reference something specific from your actual conversation.
But if you want to be memorable, not just responsive, a handwritten note still wins. Nobody expects it anymore, which is exactly why it works. It’s a small move that reads as a big one.
Go find the pieces
Every person in that room is a puzzle worth putting together. So is every person in yours.
I’ve spent most of my career giving keynotes centered on my books, on leadership, on courage, on stepping up. But watching a room full of accomplished, capable leaders quietly admit they get nervous walking into a networking event, and then watching them light up once they had a framework and some new skills, told me something. There might be a new lane here: helping leaders build real relationship capital, not just with AI and tools, but with the most fascinating resource already in the room: the people they haven’t met yet.
Go find the pieces.
