It’s Thanksgiving week – do we need a blog post about disagreement?  Shouldn’t I be writing about gratitude?

No. You’ll get plenty of messages this week about what you should be thankful for. I want to talk about the #1 reason we screw up all the goodness in our life – it’s because we can’t handle disagreement well. 

Think about it: if you have a strained relationship, it’s because somewhere along the way you two couldn’t handle conflict well. And, sure: it could be because they’re a total a**hole –  but, you’re a part of that relationship, too, and there’s a piece of the dysfunction you can own. Come on, be accountable. 

We can’t change the past. But we can always grow from experiences by recommitting to being better when it comes to how we disagree. 

By being better at disagreement, I don’t mean avoid disagreement, or comply and give in. What I mean is being able to share your view without burning down the house. 

Here are five ways to disagree without being disagreeable:

          Choose your partner carefully.  Not everyone in our life can handle disagreement. We all have contentious, righteous people in our lives who are unwilling to change. So, don’t poke the bear. If you’re watching the Lions game this Thursday with a Bears fan who’s emotionally immature, be better than your instincts. If you’re a Republican sitting next to a diehard Democrat at dinner, don’t talk politics. If you have a really hard time taking the high ground, can I make a recommendation? Don’t drink too much … . There’s no need to lower your inhibitions because you might say something that reverberates in someone’s ear for a lifetime.

          Choose your moment wisely.  I don’t verbalize my disagreements often, but when I do it’s because someone stepped on one of my values and I feel like I have to say something.  If this is the case, I choose my moment, which often means I say something to the individual in private after I’ve had a chance to consider my words. I never, never go in “hot” to a disagreement.  I like to be tactful, prepared, and hope to use my point of view to advance our relationship, vs shame and blame the other person. If you can’t do this, don’t disagree. Plus, a public flogging is really embarrassing toward the other person – it’s our job to keep people’s dignity. Praise in public, disagree in private.

          Use language to construct, not destruct.  Never use the word “but” in disagreement.  It’s a “fightin’ word.”  As an example: “I hear you, Tracy, but I think you’re not considering x, y, and z.”  Now, try this: “I hear you, Tracy, and I’m also considering x, y, and z.”  You get it, right?  “But” is condescending and closes off a conversation. “And” opens up the floodgates to a productive dialogue. A positive use of language allows us to construct a new way forward, as well as explore shared agreements and values.    

        Offer an alternative to the discussion or disagreement.  You remember Dr Seuss’ The Zax, right? Two cat-like animals who dug their heels into their point of view while the world moved on without them?   If you’re stuck in a disagreement and there’s no way around it, be creative … or tap out. Be the mature person to say, “We’re never going to agree – and that’s okay. We don’t have to agree on everything, but here’s what we do agree on.”   

          Know when to walk away, Kenny Rogers.  You remember that song, right?  The Gambler?  Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away … and know when to run. I always know when to walk away or run when I feel like I’m getting baited into a disagreement and/or things keep heating up. Some people are out there just looking for a fight … they’re looking for a verbal punching bag, and I don’t want to play that role.  Here’s a simple line you can use: “Hey, you know how I feel about this issue. We don’t need to focus on this today.  And say it with a smile – a smile is one of the best de-escalation tools we have in our non-verbal arsenals. Better? Deliver that line with a little humor and you might disarm the situation entirely.

We can build bridges … or we can burn them. And when you build them? You give those around you another reason to be grateful for having you in their life, and that feels very meaningful.